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The Adventures of Fred and Derek: Text Version

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Since I probably won't be able to scan and upload all 100 comics, and since the chance of you being able to read my handwriting is low, I'll put the Fred & Derek Stage Version here.

The Adventures Of Fred The Flea And Derek Dustmite; for entertainment before, during and after class: 100 Theme Challenge Transcript.

1 Introduction
F Since we assume you don't know us yet...
D Allow us to introduce ourselves.
F I'm Fred.
D I'm Derek.
FD How do you do?
F We've been colouring the life of our creator for over a year now...
D So we thought we'd step out. Bonnz picked us to host her 100 Theme Challenge.
F Wait Derek, does that mean we have to perform 100 jokes? (beat)
D I guess so...
F We were picked because we're cute...
D Funny...
F Filled with potential...
D And of course...
FD We're easy to draw! (both laugh) (a pencil with eraser comes in to erase F and D)
F Hey... Is she trying to erase us
FD (laugh)
F You can't, silly!
D We're drawn in biro!
F So, are you ready?
D What for?
F 100 gags silly! (beat)
D Gee, I'll never be ready for that.
F Me either.

2 Love

F Say Derek...
D Yeah?
F I think I'm in love. (beat)
D Really? With whom? (beat)
F What do you mean?
D Who are you in love with?
F Wait a minute... (beat) You have to be in love with someone?
D That's the point, isn't it?
F I don't get it...
D Oh help... how do we fill this void in your education?
F Nonono I know all that... But can't you just be in love with everything? The flowers, the kittens, the llamas... wax paper... rubber ducks... screwdrivers...
D OK OK I get your point... It's hardly a relationship, is it?
F It beats it.
D You know, you might be onto something here.
F Really?
D Either that, or you're just being silly again.

3 Light
D OUCH!
F What is it, Derek?
D My eyes hurt!
F Hey, mine too!
D What do you think causes it?
F It must be all the light up here.
D Right! But we can't shut it off!
F No need... It'll get dark once the reader turns over the page.
D Really?
F Sure! (beat) Well, what are you waiting for!
FD Turn the page already!
F Unless you can think of a good gag before the page is full.
D Oh dear I won't make it... Wait I got one...
F Too late.

4 Dark (written in black ink instead of biro blue)
D Say it did get nice and dark out here!
F Sure! Your turning the page worked a treat!
FD Thank you, reader! (beat)
D It's so romantic out here now...
F Don't you get any ideas. (both laugh) (beat)
D But seriously... It's calm out here.
F Yes. (beat) (beat) So... Done anything interesting lately?
D I don't think so, no.
F Gee... (beat)
D Shall we put the light back on?
FD YAY!

5 Rot
F Eeow!
D What's up, Fred?
F Something's rotting in here!
D Poor Fred! Why don't you join me here.
F Say the air is a lot fresher at your side... How absurd! What could be rotting in here?
D One of your jokes, perhaps? (beat)
F That wasn't very funny, Derek.
D It must be one of my jokes, then. (both laugh) Perhaps you ate chili. Or it could be a dead mouse.
F Eek.
D And what is it?
F One of your jokes.

D No really, what was it?
F Remember last week? When I lost my cat?

6 Break
F Phew! All this joking around is tiring!
D And we have so many more topics to go...
F Forget it! I'm taking a break this time round.
D Fred? Come back!... I guess it's time for Stand-Up Derek! Thank you, thank you! So, how many people here follow politics? (beat) I mean, it's great to know that I'm not the world's greatest loser... but why are all the bigger losers in government? (beat) Anyone still use VCR out here? I do! ... Fred, you're back!
F Yeah, you should try a break too. The coffee here's great!
D Coffee?
F ...Derek? Derek? Where are you? You can't leave me here like this?

7 Heaven
D Ah, this is life! Hanging out with my best friend... On the world's greatest stage... Making silly jokes...
F You're such an actor.
D Why thank you! Am I sean Connery, classy and sexy? Am I Tim Curry, distinguished and dark? Or am I Michael York, tragic and dapper? (beat)
F You're Danny Devito. (both laugh)
D Seriously my legwork could pass for Gene Kelly's... (sings) "I'm singin' in the rain..."
F You? Singing in the rain? You even yell "AAGH! I'm wet!" when you're in the shower!
D Ah, as a joke. (beat)
F But life's great here, indeed. We've got a home, a stage and someone to love.
D (sings) "I know this ain't heaven, it's close enough for me..."
F Ooh, Tim Curry! Classy!

8 Away
F Say Derek...
D Yeah?
F I've been thinking... I'd love to go on a vacacion.
D Really?
F I'd really love to go hiking someday.
D Wouldn't that take forever? I mean, if you leave now, by next month you'll have made it to the other end of the table! (beat)
F Yeah, that's a pickle.
D You could travel by dog.
F No! Too dangerous, too noisy, too smelly and still too slow!
D Oh my... Well if you want a change of scenery, I could ask our creator to put on a new shirt.
F Could you to that for us, Bon? Something clean for a change. (Both laugh, then a panel with interference)
F Oh dear...
D Uh oh...
F She didn't like that.
D No. How about something colourful?
F Hawaiian?
FD With lots of cleavage!

9 Cut
F Ouch!
D What is it?
F It's an exclamation one outs when one's in pain. (beat)
D You've been watching Airplane again, haven't you?
F Sorry. No, I had a paper cut.
D That's clever! Here we are at the middle of the page, and you get a paper cut.
F Yes well... It happened when the reader turned the page.
D OK, dear reader... Please only read us in moderate light...Turn the pages gently...
F And wear something with cleavage! You think they can remember all that?
D Sure... If they got enough concentration to be reading this still, they can rememer these three things too.
F Two? (beat)
D So, how's your paper cut?
F In rectangles, usually. (laughs) I was hoping you could kiss it better.
D Uhm... I have no lips...

10 Breathe
F Ah, smell that fresh biro-ink air... The start of a new day... A clean page... And a new comic! (beat) Derek? You're quiet all of a sudden.
D I'm saving my breath.
F Why?
D I feel the mother of all jokes coming up... Wouldn't want to get out of air while telling it.
F Does that mean I have to do all the jokes for now?
D I'd prefer it.
F Did you hear about the guy who went to Paris? He didn't go! (laughs)
D OK I'll talk. Geez. Where do you get your jokes from, anyway?
F I pick them up along the way. That's what fleas do.
D Next time you pick a host, try to get on Bill Cosby, OK?

11 Memory
F Say Derek, can I ask you something?
D Sure!
F Why do I keep forgetting things? (beat) Well?
D I never guaranteed an answer.
F Quit fooling around!
D Sorry. What was the question? (beat)
F Err... Oh right! Why do I always forget stuff?
D Good question. Some would say you had a bad childhood. Some blame it on a low on the head. Perhaps drug or alcohol abuse.
F No.
D Me, I think you're just silly.
F Derek!
D Sorry. But you got to admit you turn forgetfulness into art. (beat
F Was that a compliment?
D Better take it that way.
F What way?

12 Insanity
D A brillig biro dances on the page / white to blue and blue to sage...
F What are you doing?
D Just writing some absurd poetry. The weirder the better.
F Gee Derek... I'm at a loss for words!
D Try it! Pick a random adjective...
F Crisp...
D A random noun...
F Sludge...
D Put them together and you got instant poetry!
F Crisp sludge?
D well, you got to start somewhere... Crackling tape shyly twists...
F What's with the lay-out?
D I'm an Ostaijen fan. True twisting tape tries two tiny trances...
F What's that then?
D Just trying to make it fit into the panel. T'were triangles, tittering, tweeting torches, tatting to trees, tiny touching...
F Derek?
D Yes?
F You're insane.
D Thanks!

13 Misfortune
D Fred? I'm getting tired.
F That's unfortunate... We still have a lot of gags to go!
D How many?
F This is topic 13, cue black cat, we need 87 more comics after this.
D Bah!
F Well, it could be worse... At east we're together, having fun... (beat)
D I feel like dancing. (beat)
F We'd better wait 'til the next number...
D I didn't know you were superstitious!
F I mean the next song. All this 4'33" is hard to dance to. Say, couldn't you do that Bon? Whip us up a nice choreography?
D It'll be for another comic though... we're out of space.
F How unfortunate.

14 Smile
F Are you ready for our next bit?
D The Fred And Derek Musical?
FD Smile!
Step on up with your chintzi's baby!
Wipe your lips and grin!
Set your heart out to your mitzies baby!
Tune up, let the sun right in! and
Smile! The greatest gift of all!
Smile! The purest gift of all!
It's free, it's easy, it's welcome, it's awesome!
Smile! To all your friends and foes!
Smile! A grin from head to toes!
Let your friends know you love 'em
Your foes that you hate 'em
SMILE!

F Whew, that was fun!
D Sure was tiring though...
F Shall we do it again! (Beat)
D Not in a million years!
F Sorry.

15 Silence
(beat)
(beat)
F Derek?
D Ssh!
(beat)
F Say Derek, we're supposed to entertain.
(beat)
F Derek?
D I'm enjoying the silence. Bit it's hard to do that if you keep talking through it!
F Sorry.
(beat)
F This is embarrassing.
(beat)
D A little quiet is good for us. I mean, I still got that Smile song in my head.
F Me, too.
(beat)
F Fun song though.
D I hate it.
(beat)
F Well...
D Sh!
(beat)
F You can't stay quiet like this! All those people reading this, think of them! We need to be funny for them! (beat) Well?
D In the next comic.

16 Spit
F Grrpf! Ptui!
D That's no way to behave while you're eating!
F Sorry, this is gross!
D You've been eating at McDonalds again?
F Hey, it's not easy being a parasite! Begh, this host...
D So, what was it anyway?
F Mouse.
D Eww.
F Hey, I can't be picky! These are tough times, you know.
D I know.
(beat)
F So, what are you eating?
D Old skin cells.
F Eww. Ever considered a change of diet?
D Sure... But skin cells "light" are worse! (Both laugh) No, I used to hang out at the office next door, but on Mondays I just couldn't get out of bed! (both laugh) How about you?
F You kiddin'? I love being a vampire! I vant to zuck yur blud...
D Haha... you're kidding, right?

17 Blood
F Ah, blood. Source of proteine, red and succulent...
D You're freaking me out, Fred.
F Sorry. Blood brings out the poet in me.
D You eat poets now? (both laugh)
F Seriously, I love being a flea.
D Flea?
F What for? AAAH! (climbs panel wall)
D Get down, Fred!
F I'm scared of heights!
D Geez... Let yourself fall and I'll catch you.
F No way! You're nuts!
D Hey! ... I'll leave you hanging there... you'll come down anyhow. (walks off)
F Derek! Don't leave me here! Come BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

18 Under
F Oh how mean of him! Can you help me reader? Just turn the page upside down for me, will you? Please?
(continues upside-down at the bottom of the page, Fred slides down gently)
F Ah, much better! Thank you very much!
D (Comes back and is now stuck up high) Hey what happened here?
F We turned the panels upside-down.
D How am I going to get there now?
F Drop and I'll catch you.
D Okay, sorry... but how will I get down?
F Perhaps the reader can help us again... Could you shake this book back and forth?
FD Please?

19 Grey 
F What's that I see, Derek? You're getting grey! (beat)
D I'M NOT GETTING GREY! I'M SUMMER BLONDE!
(beat)
F Aw, come on, you don't believe that do you? I mean, summer blonde? With the grey summers we have out here?
(beat)
D They're not grey. The sun just doesn't always feel like shining.
(beat)
F You're going to have to face it someday...
D I'm not getting grey, and you're being mean.
F Just pointing out the facts, hon. You could dye it, you know.
D Good idea! (walks off)
F Derek! Great, now I'm alone again! At least now I can have a good talk with you, dear reader. (beat) I mean, what's the good of all this! Trees have died for this paper... our jokes come with cane and false teeth... What purpose do we serve? (Derek returns, all red) Derek? What happened?
D Little dying mishap.

20 Fortitude
D AAAGH! I can't take it anymore! All these STUPID jokes... So many left to do... And what idiot is going to read this anyway?!
F Stay calm, Derek. I know it's tough, but we have to be strong. We make our author very happy, and you know she could use some happiness... We help her to get rid of excess drawing tools... we'll teach her how to bookbind... And our readers are not idiots. (beat)  They just have too much time on their hands. (both laugh)
D Thanks Fred, I feel a lot better.
F Good! How about you take a rest and I'll make the jokes?
D I could use some rest, but listening to your jokes, that's not worth it.
F Hey!

21 War
D What are you doing, Fred?
F Just a little folly... I love making pointless things.
D Like your jokes? (laughs)
F I've knitted record covers, made melonsculptures, made a full-length life-size embroidery of Lady Di, cut roses from tomatoes, learnt all verses of the British anthem, learnt to write cursive, designed a sarcasm font, walked a distance I could easily drive, ate a bag of crisps on my own, watched Rocky Horror six hundred times, know all the words to Yakko's Nations Of The World song, read a book while the film version was better...
D Does that exist?
F Read and written fanfic, sat through movies I hated...
D That's all prety pointless, Fred.
F I know.
D Like war.
F Amen. But if it's all the same to you, I'll go do the Time Warp again.

22 Mother
F So, what's the mother of all jokes you were working on?
D I'm still working on it. What's the difference between heaven and hell?
F In heaven, the Germans are the bureaucrats, the English are the police and the French are the cooks. In hell, the French are the bureaucrats, the Germans are the police, and the English are the cooks. I knew it.
D I gathered yeah. I'm making a nice twist on it!
When I was born, I was taught to have the grace of a giraffe, the spirit of the donkey, the wit of the cat, the unsuspected lethality of the hippo, and the persistence of a flea.
F Thank you!
D I got confused and came home with: the unsuspected lethality of a giraffe, the wit of a donkey, the spirit of a cat, the grace of a hippo...
F And you're stuck at the flea? Yes, it does need some tinkering! Can I help you with the flea bit?
D No need to bite me! (both laugh)
F Perhaps you could add "brevity" somewhere... I forgot the joke already!

23 Distasteful
F Say Derek...
D Yeah?
F I was wondering... that joke you just made about heaven and hell... could you say something like that?
D You did, didn't you?
F But... Isn't it distasteful?
D Oh Fred... it's never distasteful whe it's about cooking! (both laugh) But I see your point, it's a delicate balance. Could it be "too soon" after a disaster? Could it be too offensive? But most importantly: IS IT FUNNY? You can get away with anything but genocide if you can make people laugh!
So, I wouldn't try it if I were you. (laughs)
F But thank heavens I'm not you!
D Good comeback, but a little too late. Try to do it in the same panel.
F Like this?
D Well, we could have entire sketches in one panel, but it might just get a wee little bit too crowded.
F I see what you mean.

24 Want
D Hey Fred... Is there anything you want out of life? (beat)
F Blood.
D Besides eating?
F Is there anything better? I've got my friend, my creator, my humour, unlimited reruns of Are You Being Served... All I want. Why?
D Getting to know you... Is there really nothing you wish for? Candlelight dinner with Scarlet Johanssen? A signed copy of Wuthering Heights?
F Ew.
D A part in a movie? Climb the Borobudur? What am I supposed to give you for your birthday?
F Blood pudding. How about you? What's your wish? Outwit Mitt Romney? Travel to the moon?
D Noooooo...
(beat)
F Well?
D What could you wish for if you live a life like ours?

25 Lurking
F You know, Derek...
D What do I know?
F Not much. (both laugh) I always wanted to be a spy.
(beat)
D I'm at a loss for words. What gave you that idea?
F Well... You know how much you could learn as a spy-flea...
D Like the blood-type of a villain! Useful... you could make sure that when they get injured, the hospital won't have his blood-type available! (laughs)
F Well you know how villains plot... And you know every villain has a cat...
D Oh oh... Perhaps I could live in a villain's bed. In case he talks in his sleep.
F You mocking me?
D Of course!

26 Europe
D Say Fred, how do you feel about the European Union?
F What about it?
D Do you think Europe will survive the crisis? Or will Europe fall apart?
F That's not going to happen. They're all firmly attached.
(beat)
D You lost me.
F Well, it's a continent...
(beat)
D Oh boy.
F Did you know... The Meditteranean Sea will disappear in a few thousand years.
D Really?
F Really! The African continent travels north. In a few thousand years the Acropolis will be in the continent.
D Gee... And there I was thinking you couldn't learn anything from comics!
F Here ends Fred's lesson!
D Aww, tell me more!
F Can't, out of space.

27 Foreign
F Hey Derek, have you ever eaten foreign food?
(beat)
D I don't ask my victims for their passport.
(beat)
D And you? Are you picky?
F It may be true that Macedonians usually have a negative blood type, and that people from malaria countries usually have mild anemia...
D Really?
F You wanted to learn more, didn't you?
D Oh yeah!
F But really... To me, all blood tastes the same. Like blood. (both laugh) Hey Derek, you laughed at one of my jokes!
D Drat!

28 Sorrow
D Aw Fred... you're looking down today.
F I'm tired. All these jokes I have to make... And you keep telling me they're bad!
D Aw Fred... Your jokes are like mine! So no need to worry, your jokes are OK!
F Aw thanks, Derek.
D I'm not in the mood for joking either.
F Well, we could do another musical.
D NO! It's not that bad, really...
F Aw come on! You're a great singer, and you got great legs!
D Thanks... although that last remark makes me slightly nervous.
F Well, I could start joking... It's brown and sticky.
D A stick.
F It's feathered, has a beak and wings, lives in a field, crows and has a comb. And 4 legs. What is it?
D I don't know.
F A rooster!
D With 4 legs?!
F I added two legs to make it more difficult.

29 Urban
F Hey Derek, you've lived in the city all your life, haven't you?
D I have... I'm restricted to beds and carpets. I love it though. All those large buildings make me feel quite small.
F You are small.
D True... The light, the traffic... In the city you're never bored. Especially if there's a new Tarantino in cinema. And you?
F I spent some time on a farm. Ate a lot of cows!
D (laughs) (laughs louder) Moo. (laughs) (Laughs some more) Where's the beef? (Laughs) (Still laughs)
F You can stop now, it's getting ugly.
D Aw come on! COWS! (both laugh)

30 Rain
F Hey Derek... You familiar with that thought? "Water is only wet on the outside"?
D Well... Whoever said that, I bet he doesn't live in The Netherlands! (both laugh)
F It's a cool thought though...
D A WET thought too! Basically what that thought does... Wetness is relative... Because the thought causes that water can never be felt from the inside, since the inside turns into outside when you swim in it or something, water has no inside you can feel, and so you can't say whether the inside is wet or not. Wetness is relative and can only be detected by humans. A computer sensor may detect presence of a fluid, but not whether it's wet or not. Although you can wonder whether there's a wet or dry fluid since a fluid may theoretically already be wet by definition. So the thought might be invalide, since "inside" of water may not be definable, since wetness is relative, and even if it wasn't, it's irrelevant. What's that smell?
F My brain burns.

31 Flower
F I wish I was a bee sometimes, going from flower to flower...
D What on earth for?
F I love flowers. They're pretty, they smell nice...
D You could learn something from them. (laughs) Dear Fred... It's always tough when you realize you're not who you want to be... that you're not pretty, or the greatest comedian in the world...
F Hey!
D But that's stuff you have to live with. You can't bein mourning all your life... Make the best of it using what you have!
F But don't you have a secret longing? Wouldn't you rather be a cat, for example?
D And get fed on by you? No thanks. I do wish I was a maggot.
F Ew.
D I'd go to the bakery and bury myself in whipped cream cake!
(beat)
F I'll never have another one.
D Heh heh.

32 Night
F Are you a day person or a night owl?
D I'm not an owl. (both laugh) I love the night.
F Why?
D That's when people are in bed and I get the most food! And you, Fred?
F I'm more of a day person, although I'm no person either. (laughs)
D That's MY joke!
I love everything about the night... Quietness, serenity, food... the moon, the stars... midnight radio...
F Night always scared me. If you're on a host who's dreaming and sleepwalking... I once nearly got killed when a dog scratched itself. So usually I stick to cats.
D Ew. And then you sit all day in CAT SPIT.
F True... But kitties are cute!
D Don't they wonder off at night?
F Oh yeah! I've woken up on the other side of town several times... And it's so cold if they go out at night... I should stay in bed, like you.
D Hey!

33 Wrath
F Oh, the wrath of people! Day in, day out, I fight scratching, chemicals, flea collars... It's not easy being a flea.
D When you're a dustmite, people can get allergic to you and then they buy synthetic bedclothes. And then I can't eat their skin cells.
FD Woe is us!
F And do we ask for much?
D No.
F A little blood...
D A few skin cells...
FD Stuff humans have plenty of!
F And if we try to get some, we get killed!
D Capital punishment!
F Perhaps it's time for: SUPERFLEA! (flies around wearing a red cape)
D (sings Superflea theme)
F Superflea fights for the rights of fleas around the world! All humans should fear... THE WRATH OF SUPERFLEA!
D (sings Superflea theme)
D Are you quite finished? It's a bit silly... but you sure look good in that cape!
F Thanks!

34 Moon
D Oh Moon, dear Moon...
F What moon are you talking about? The Moon sect? Better stay away from there! Moon Zappa? I think she's already married. The 2009 film?
D No... The silver goddess, shining above us, over us...
F Derek... The moon doesn't shine. It reflects.
(beat)
D That's a dream lost...
F Did you know... The moon is moving away from us at a rate of 50 cm per year? That's the rate at which fingernails grow.
D No! Moon! Come back!
F There's no man in the moon. Most cultures have a "man in the moon" belief, not surprising since most people can see the moon, and it's very human to "see" faces in random stains or patterns. The moon is 4.6 billion years  old... is slightly radio-active... On the sunny side, the temperature is 120 degrees Celsius. On the dark side, it's -110 degrees Celsius.
D Cancel my trip there, then.

35 Walk
D All this sitting around makes me stiff. I'm going for a walk!
F Wait!
D Don't worry, I won't go far. We can still talk if I yell loud enough. LOUD ENOUGH!
F And that says something of my jokes...
D I heard that!
F DEREK, WHILE YOU'RE OUT THERE... COULD YOU GET ME SOME COFFEE!
D COME AND GET IT YOURSELF!
F BUT I CAN'T LEAVE THE AUDIENCE ALONE!
D DON'T WORRY, THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE! (Fred walks over)
F WOW! DON'T YOU WISH YOU COULD SEE ALL THE COOL STUFF OUT HERE? OR TASTE THIS FANTASTIC COFFEE? SAY IT'S NICE AND COSY OUT HERE!
D AND LOOK AT THE BEAUTIFUL ARTWORK!
F A FOOSBALL TABLE! AIRHOCKEY! WE HAVE THE GREATEST CANTEEN EVER!
D TIME TO GO BACK! (they return)
F Hey Derek? My throat hurts!

36 Precious
D We have so many precious memories...
F Like our musical?
D Not that... But remember our philosophy of rain?
F Your hair dying mishap.
D That wasn't funny.
F It was to me!
D The time we went out for coffee... the time we played hide and seek...
F Oh yeah! You only liked that because you won!
D Heh, heh.
F Ah, those were the days...
D And we have many more of those moments to come! It's small things in life that make it worth living.
F Small things... like us! (both laugh)
D And there's another precious memory! We whip them up by the score!
F Did you know a "score" is 20?
D Oh! Another golden Fred Teaching Moment!
F I'm precious.
D Do you know that film?
F What film?
D Precious? It's about a girl called Precious...
F Oh...
D Who's FAT.
F Don't offend fat people!
D So when you say "I'm Precious..." (laughs)
F Don't mock fat people! You know our maker is...
D Ssh!
(interference panel)

37 Sight
D What's your favourite sight, Fred?
F What do you mean?
D What do you like to look at?
F Flowers, kittens... Musicals...
D Ew.
F Why don't you like musicals?
D I used to be in the bed of an ill child...
F Poor kid.
D And in one week I had to endure some 70 views of 'Annie'.
F Poor Derek! But don't you love a good choreography?
D Not to the tune of "It's a Hart Knock's Life'.
F Poor Derek! Such things can be so traumatizing...
D Like the time you found a worm inside someone you were about to feed on?
F Stop it, stop it!
D What else do you love to look at?
F Blood... Precious blood... Films on Dracula... A nice slasher film from time to time... Rembrandt's Anatomical Lesson...
D I'm sensing a bit of a theme here.
F What about you? What do you like to see?
D Woman's cleavage.

38 Abandoned
F Derek? Where are you? Derek's left me! What can I do here all by myself... (sings) I'm all alone... I'm all alone...
Oh dear... I forgot the rest of the words. Well, dear readers... (beat) What would you like to hear? I could do a rendition of 'Cats'... Or tell you a joke... This local newspaper held a contest for the author of the best pun. My neighbour had sent in 10 entries. He was hoping he'd win something, but no pun in ten did. (laughs) (beat) Or some more random facts... The dot on an I is called a tittle... Three dots is called an ellipsis, I use that one a lot... Derek, where art thou? (Derek returns) Derek!
D Had to go to the can, sorry.

39 Dream
D I had such a dream last night, Fred...
F What was it?
D Well... There was this big purple sea... I was sitting on the back of a dog that was swimming across.
F Why would you sit on the back of a dog? You're a dustmite!
D But that's not all; we stranded on an island that turned into a huge silver pig... that blew hard, and I flew...
F Nude?
D Not nude, why?
F When I dream I'm flying I always happen to be nude. (beat)
D But you ARE always nude, Fred.
F Oh yeah.
D Anyway... I was wearing a green cape...
F Oh! Must be a leftover prop from Superflea.
D ... And when I landed I got stuck in this gooey mud... like cotton candy.
F I hate cotton candy.
D Me too. What do you think it means?
(beat)
F You just eat too many skin cells in your sleep.

40 4:29 PM
D Let's see... It's exactly 4:29 PM.
F How do you know?
D I bought a new Switch watch. Isn't it cool!
(beat)
F Wow Derek... I didn't know they made those in our size!
D Cool huh! Now I always know what time it is!
F But Derek... What on earth would you do with that kind of information? We're timeless!
D Uhhhhh... Oh dear...
F Was it expensive?
D No, I just had to drop the brand name. Which I did already.
F But why did you get one?
(beat)
D It's cool!
(beat)
D Besides... I can tell it took Bon 7 minutes to make this comic.
F Oh.

41 Citric Acid
D Fred? Hey Fred! Why don't you come out here where we can see you?
(beat)
F (off panel) I'll never set foot out there again!
D Come on Fred... It's not that bad!
F What's the point? There's no use in living if I can't be beautiful.
D Fred? You've been watching Howl's Moving Castle again?
(beat)
D Fred! Be a man and step out!
F I'm no man.
D Stop being such a baby!
F I'm no baby, either.
D If you have the guts to make jokes like that, surely you can come out!
F No. It's too horrible what they did to me...
D Who?
F Those humans... It's the latest in flea extermination... (comes in, all yellow) Citric acid...

42 Still
D Don't worry Fred... Don't fret! (laughs) I still have some hair dye left over. But you'll have to promise me to stop making jokes about that mishap, OK?
F OK.
D Back in a sec!
F But Derek... won't my hair go red too?
D (off panel) No, don't worry, it'll work this time!
(beat)
F You see, reader, what can come of wasting citric acid... You see what happened. It's been very hard on me. So take care!
D I'm back, now hold still... Keep still... Still keep still... Now wash it off!
(beat)
D The excitement! Will it work? ... Yay, the colour is allright, Fred! (Fred comes in, hair standing out wildly) But did you look at yourself in the mirror?

43 Die
F Hey Derek...
D Yeah?
F It's been a long time since we last played a game together..
D What would you like to play?
F Cluedo?
D There's only two of us.
F Twister?
D There's only two of us.
F Backgammon?
D I never could work out how that goes.
F Yahtze?
D We only have one die.
F Strip Liar's Dice?
D We only have one die and no clothes.
F We could roll for the highest...
D Sure. Let's see, I roll...
F Six! Baah! Did you know... Back in the Middle Ages gambling was illegal in The Netherlans. Back then, they'd make tiny dice from animal bone. They were so tiny they could be swallowed. So when the town guard would come along, you could eat the evidence. They'd sometimes find huge amounts of them in bear pits.
D Must be hard to swallow, such an addiction.
F Nice fact, huh!

44 Two Roads
D That dice thing was a neat fact, Fred. How come you know so much?
F Well... There comes a point in the life of every flea, where he has to choose between two paths.
D Uh huh.
F When I reached that point I could choose between university and work. I then got to live with some students. The thought of the beer stench alone still makes me sick. I tried to get a decent job after that... But all I did was "hop" between jobs. (they laugh) And you?
D My crossroads of life was when I faced the choice: Do I stay in bed or shall I get out?
F Gee Derek, I bet a lot of humans have that problem daily! (they laugh)
D I decided to rummage round... And it's a lot of fun!
F Really?
D You should hear what people talk about in bed, hee hee...
F (laughs)

45 Two Guns
F Dear reader...
D We have an important message...
F From our creator, Bonnz.
FD Are you ready?
D The next topic in the challenge...
F Is "Two Guns"!.
D It's our duty to point out...
F That our creator...
D Refuses to work on this topic...
F In view of her pacifist beliefs.
D It is Bonnz's opinion...
F That guns are made to kill...
D Therefore she abhors them.
F Bonnz deplores violence...
D And doesn't want to introduce weaponry into the world of cuteness that is Fred.
F And Derek.
FD Thank you.
F Say Derek... Do you care what props you have to work with? Or what topics we should handle?
D No, whatever brings in my paycheck. I'd love to play a part in a heist movie... in the next Terminator... as long as it's not another musical.

46 Drop
D Hey Fred... What's the longest drop you've ever made?
(beat)
F That was when this gross guy I was living on got ill and I had to leave.
D Ew.
F I got a crack in my shell from that. And ever since, whenever I'm walking past someone who thinks he has a sense of humour, he'll shout: "Hey! Your crack is showing!"
D (laughs)
F Derek!
D Sorry, that cracked me up. It's a cracking good story. You just need to fill up the cracks in it.
F That's enough, Derek.
D He he.
F I'm very sensitive about my crack.
D I bet a lot of people are sensitive about their cracks! (laughs)
F Are you on crack or something?
D Huh? Gee... Don't get your knickers in a twist.
I always wanted to say that.
F Me too.
D So, when your birthday comes around, would you like me to get you a cape? To cover it up?
F I'm very sensitive about my birthday, too.

47 Dirt
FD Dear reader...
F As a flea...
D And as a dustmite...
F We encounter a lot of dirt in your homes. Cat hairs that spread everywhere...
D Bedclothes that stay on the bed forever...
F Carpets that aren't vacuumed frequently...
D And we feel it's your duty to tell you...
FD WE LOVE IT!
D Forget about what your mother taught you...
FD A dirty house guarantees you'll get friends like us!
F Like us?
D Like us!
F And we promise...
FD Lots of entertainment!
F We'll bring you laughs...
D Wit... Fun facts...
F And musicals.
D Ssh!

48 Young
F Ah... the days of my youth... The careless optimism, the love for everyone... Everything is new... Old jokes are funny because you hear them for the first time... (singing) Oh I can't forget the days when I was young! And it dont seem so very long ago!
D You are anxious to do another musical, eh?
F He he. What was your childhood dream, Derek? What did you want as a kid?
D Promise not to laugh? I wanted to be in the Bolshoi ballet.
F HAHAHA... Oh sorry.
D That was not very nice, Fred.
F Aw come on! You, the musical hater? In the ballet?
D Hey! It's an over-romanticised, but under-appreciated art form. Ballet isn't about pink tutus and nutcrackers.
(beat)
F I bet you'd look great in a tutu! (laughs)
D Ssh! Your turn to confess... What was your childhood wish?
F Wel... I always wanted to swim in blood.
D Ew. Did you ever?
F I did, and it was horrible. It's too thick for the breast stroke.

49 Preservative
F People will often ask us...
D What is the best way...
F To get rid of fleas and mites.
(beat)
D Of course, we won't tell them! (both laugh) Personally I like to say 'alcohol'. It doesn't kill me, but it gets me drunk! (they laugh)
(interference panel)
F Oh dear...
D Uh oh...
F We've upset our maker again!
D Sorry Bon!
F Our creator doesn't approve of the use of spirits.
D Unless as a preservative.
(beat)
D Say Fred... If she abhors violence and alcohol, what DOES she do for fun?
(beat)
F I guess she makes comics with more entertaining characters.
D Like us! (both laugh)
F Seriously Bon...
D You too, reader!
FD A life is a terrible thing to waste!
F Hey...
D We should put that over the door!

50 Breaking the rules
D Dear readers...
F We're about to reach the halfway point!
FD YAY!
F So Derek and I...
D Hi hi!
F Ssh!
D We've decided it's time to:
FD PARTY!!! (cue confetti and disco ball)
F Ah, that was great!
D Yeah!
F Gave me enough energy to put on a musical!
D Oh no. Shall we give our readers a break and stop with the musical jokes?
(beat)
F Nah. If the reader wants a break, he can close this book.
That was a joke, dear reader... Don't close the book!
(beat)
D Say Fred... That was a great party!
F Yeah! Did you like it, reader?
D I hope so.
F Maybe it's time to...
D Announce our latest joke!
F We're not sure if you noticed...
D But we changed places just before we started!
F I'm Derek, he's Fred!
D We pulled your leg! (both laugh)

51 Sports
F You know Derek...
D For the record, reader, I really am Derek.
(both laugh)
F Oh that was so funny! Anyway,since the current topic is SPORTS... I hate sports.
D So does our creator. That's why she's...
F Hush!
D So, why do you hate sports?
F The doctor forbade me to do sports because of my crack.
D Oh yes, your crack. Well, sport's not all it's cracked up to be. (laughs)
F Derek!
D I'm sorry.
F You'd better be.
D But what sport did you practice, may I ask?
F Sure you may.
(they laugh)
F But if you want to know... High jump.
D High jump?
F High jump. It's a flea thing, you know.
D Oh yeah.
F What about you?
D Me?
F Who else?
D Oh yeah. I'm a monster at badminton.
F You're always a monster, Derek. (laughs)
D Hey!

END OF PART 1 due to Stash Writer limitations.

The transcript of my 100 Theme Challenge: The Adventures Of Fred And Derek, For Entertainment Before, During And After Class!
© 2012 - 2024 Bonnzai
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